Mel B’s first trio of Madison, Kayla-Jo and Malia seemed unassuming at first. Three technically proficient singers, of which Malia is clearly the best, battling for the crown. Everything’s in order. But then Madison, already renowned for her mean singing face from the blind auditions did something odd. She mimed holding a jewel for most of the song. With almost every line she sang it appeared as though she was holding a precious jewel out in front of her to show the crowd. “Maybe that’s just how she sings” I thought, rationally “Maybe she needs to mime holding a jewel to sing properly”. But then my eagle eyes caught something suspicious: Delta’s jewel encrusted earpiece. Was she somehow signally to Madison? Was she amplifying her psionic brainwaves with this bejeweled earpiece to make Madison more fully embody the message in Rhianna’s Shine Bright (Like A Diamond)? Almost definitely, because Madison won. On Mel B’s announcement of Madison’s victory there were tears on all sides. Kayla-Jo because she never had a chance and I’ve already forgotten what she looked like, Malia because she was robbed, and Madison because after breaking from the trance she didn’t remember the last eight days. What’s Delta’s plan for the newly harvested brain of Madison? We may never know. Keep watching The Voice Kids or more likely the national news to find out.
The Madden Brothers’ first trio of Jack L, Jack H and Chris instantly brought up feelings of inferiority in musical theatre boy Jack L. “They play guitar, they skate.. they’re just swag” lamented Jack L with a serious face. He was right, Jack H was swag. Swag enough that his Very Awful voice was somehow not mentioned all through their rehearsals of Wake Me Up by AVICII except by Chris who called it ‘unique’ in the same manner as a small sculpture of burning dog hair would be, I suppose. Feeling more confident during rehearsals, Jack L had more wise words for the camera about his esteemed coaches, which I have annotated thusly: “The Madden Bros are the best coaches because there’s no rules (tire fires in the Voice Kids House kitchen? A-ok). They’ve got tattoos that I’m probably not allowed to have. (Melted Ben Franklin? Not even in your dreams). They’re just.. fully sick bro (he’s too young yet to understand irony)”. After a stirring performance of of AVICII’s Mumford & Moog hit The Maddens eventually had to pick Chris, who I forgot to mention looks like a One Direction boy and therefore was definitely going to win all along. Summing up, he let us know that “I thought they were going to pick Jack. One of the Jacks.” and missed a great opportunity to tell the others to ‘hit the road Jack’ or even ‘fuck yourselves because I’m the best’.
Back to Mel B for her second trio, and it turns out it’s hat time. The third battle of the night pits Molly S (whose defining factor according to the narrator is her cuteness) Molly W (who wore a bathrobe and a pink beret to her blind audition and is the living embodiment of a soap bubble) and April (who is a good singer and will win) against each other in an all-in drag-out knuckles and chain fight. Molly W’s the star here, striding confidently into practice in a sideways blue bobble hat and moving forward into the rehearsals in a lime green fedora and matching vest. This is a girl who understands the power of a hat and uses one to her advantage at every opportunity. It’s obvious that it runs in her family, as a reaction shot of her family during rehearsals revealed a heart-pounding shot of her brother in some kind of trilby thrilling and killing everyone around him. When it came time for the performance she didn’t relent, pulling out all the stops and confidently wearing a tiny pink top hat with a bow on it and swanning like a drunk aunt through her whole performance. She’s a star in the making and I knew in my heart I would be destroyed if she didn’t make it through, which I am because she didn’t. R.i.p. to Molly W the Hat Girl, another dead hero. Molly S blew a kiss to the crowd at the end of Somewhere Over The Rainbow as a last ditch effort to reestablish her cuteness, but it was too late. April had won. She’s ok I guess. Hopefully she will develop some kind of gimmick by the next round. Maybe she’ll have to get her braces off and they’ll accidentally pull all her teeth out too and she’ll have to deal with that. We can hope.
Cruella De Delta returned this week to put together the trio of Isabella, Jamie and pretty boy Ethan plus his trademark mysterious beanie. It seems like an unfair grouping to to put Isabella and Jamie against Ethan, who it was obvious from the older lady noises from the crowd in his blind audition will win the entire competition, but I guess these producers know what they’re doing. Told they were singing Story Of My Life by One Direction, perhaps in an attempt to mould Ethan for his future, Isabella was overjoyed and seemed to think she had an edge because she owned a One Direction lunchbox. Which, while no doubt a powerful talisman, can’t help you here. Most notable in this trio is Jamie who’s horny for Delta, admitting to the camera that he has a crush on her and inviting my speculation on his every interaction with her as well as very dark dreams for the next few months for centering his thoughts on her for too long. During rehearsals Delta had a special gift for the three of them, journals! For songwriting or obsessive tracking of Delta’s movements and your observations about them, whatever you like! When Delta hugged them all to wish them good luck when she left Jamie looked so horny in her embrace that he may have died for some seconds. But that mood turned quickly sour when in the very next shot Delta wiped some lipstick off the cheek of Golden Boy Ethan and it seemed all of Jamie’s previous horny thoughts had turned to blood. Will the only stumbling block in Ethan’s road to Voice Kids Champion 2014 by his attempted assassination by Jamie? Hopefully. During the performance, Jamie actually sang incredibly - I guess channeling his hornyness into power this time - while Ethan was vocally weak and definitely not horny. Isabella was wearing a hoodie that looked like something that MIA might wear, which was sick. But not sick enough to stop Ethan from claiming the crown and condemning Jamie and Isabella from a lifetime of journaling about what Ethan’s hiding underneath that beanie. I’ll get you started guys, It’s a large and pulsating brain stem.
Next from the Madden Bros stable was the trio of Bella, Sienna and Trinity. Ol’ whistle tone Trins is finally back and whoever was editing this show had a grand old time playing footage of an eight year old messing up her lines, announcing the song they were going to sing as “When You Believe by Mariah Car-ay and Whiteny.. Liston?”. We all had a great time watching her struggle to tell us that if she lost she was going to “congeaturate?” the winner if she lost. Why didn’t they just make the whole show about children misreading cuecards? A missed opportunity if you ask me. Beside her understandable reading ability and memory for an 8 year old, Trinity turned up where it counts: in the performance. She did the whistle trick and received huge applause for it. In my opinion she should have done in maybe 15 times instead of just one if she wanted a chance at the finals, but I guess she (foolishly) didn’t want to overdo it. Bella won, being 12 years old and an accomplished singer it seemed inevitable. But what of Trinity? What of the wildcards that make this show great? To the pit.
For the last group of the night, Alexa, Olivia and the grease kids Anthony & Tamira, Delta had a special surprise, Stop by The Spice Girls. As some kind of show of power over Mel B, Delta was going to assemble a group of kids to show her that her achievements were nothing that some children couldn’t do - that she was no better than some kids trained by their parents to sing and dance to songs from Grease. But when the time came, when Anthony & Tamira were done with their extra long secret handshake and the music started, the reaction wasn’t there. Mel B’s eyes unfocused and for a few seconds she indulged in Vietnam style flashbacks to all the times Baby Spice would slap all the other Spice Girls in the face repeatedly as a kind of pre show hype ritual. But then, rather than the expected bloodrain, she was fine. She was happy! She may have texted her dog for support during the performance once or twice, but overall she was fine. She loved it! Even going so far as to say it was “better than the Spice Girls” as a sort of flex to Baby Spice if she’s watching from whatever moon she now owns. Delta seemed a little defeated in not having broken Mel B, but picked Alexa as the standout regardless. Oddly, in a last ditch attempt at brainstealing Delta’s necklace became entangled with Olivia’s when she was hugging her goodbye, a situation quickly defused by Mel B’s deft fingerwork. She would not be defeated this day.
With the loss of the very best of the Wildcards and Freaks this week (Splits Sebastian, Molly W. The Hat Girl, Skatin’ Jack H., Ol’ Whistle Tone Trinity, The Grease Kids), is The Voice Kids still worth watching? As it slowly transforms from a parade of overconfident and strange children into a serious singing competition, is the allure still there? I think Yes. As long as Delta keeps trying to amass child brains for her personal use, there will be a show to watch. And god bless her for it, This Is The Voice Kids.